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Commentary
REFLECTIONS: When pain won’t go away Bishop Woodie W. White, Feb 10, 2010
Bishop Woodie White
By Bishop Woodie W. White UMR Columnist
I have a friend who lives with constant pain. A back injury he sustained as a young man was severe, requiring surgery and intensive therapy. He still wears a back brace.
Though it has been years since the accident, he admits that he is in daily pain. When I learned of his situation, I asked if the pain was intermittent or constant. He said it was constant.
I wondered how he coped with such constant pain. Interestingly, I was not aware of his pain by his demeanor. There was no indication he was in pain. He had a warm personality and while somewhat quiet, he was otherwise engaging.
“Bishop, I’ve just learned to live with the pain,” he said. After a brief pause, he added, “I do what has to be done.”
My respect for my friend—already great—was enhanced. I was more than impressed that he was living daily with pain, but without rancor or bitterness.
I began to watch him more closely, and looked for ways I could make his life less stressful, even hoping that I could do something that might even momentarily help him to “forget” his pain, if not lessen it. I looked for ways to add a bit of joy and laughter to his world. Surprisingly, he was kind to a fault.
While many people live with severe physical pain from an illness or accident, there are just as many who live with a deep and profound emotional pain. For some, the wound has healed, but the pain remains. Others live with unhealed wounds wrapped in pain.
Regrettably, some bear the pain without sharing it with others. While they don’t lash out at friends, colleagues or loved ones who are in no way responsible for the pain, they nevertheless keep it locked in some secret place deep inside, never even sharing it with those closest to them. The tragedy is compounded because friends and loved ones would reach out to help if they only knew.
Part of being a Christian is the admonition to bear one another’s burden, so that no one has to bear a burden alone. Bearing something alone only increases its heaviness. Yet for a variety of reasons, many choose not to share their burden with anyone: some out of pride or a fear of rejection, others fear that such a tender confidence might be recklessly tossed about indiscriminately.
We are mistaken if we conclude that outward appearances alone tell the full story of a life. Success or other indications of a good life don’t always mean the absence of pain.
Like my friend, however, some people learn to do what they have to do. They do not allow pain—even one that is constant and daily—to cause them to lash out at others who are in no way responsible for or contribute to their pain. They learn somehow to live with the pain, yet not live out the pain.
It must take a strong psyche, a good deal of maturity and self-realization, or perhaps a strong faith to handle pain in such a constructive manner.
The downside of keeping one’s pain from others is that those who could be more helpful are never given the opportunity. In other instances, loved ones, friends and colleagues could better understand the context in which a valued friend must face each day. So many simply bear their pain alone—utterly alone.
I hope these pain-bearers know God and trust God with their pain; God is adequate to bear it! In God’s hand, pain can lose its power. Indeed, sharing pain with God takes away the loneliness of it. Perhaps the most miraculous potential of all is to learn the redemptive nature of pain.
Retired Bishop White is the denomination’s Endorsing Agent for Chaplain Ministries and bishop-in-residence at Candler School of Theology.
Bishop Woodie White
